Dear Nigella
Straight off my Santa wish list, my fabulous Mother-in-law sent me your “Nigella Express” for Christmas. I cooked up a few stove top savoury dishes pretty much straight away – all easy to make and tasted good. Just as promised.
So tonight I decided to quickly whizz up some Chocolate Mint Cookies in preparation for a little gathering I am having at my home tomorrow morning, confident in the knowledge that you will guide me comfortably and efficiently through the process.
But Nigella, what happened. You let me down, you started confusing me, you changed…
First of all you told me to put the oven on at 350F, but you didn’t tell me the Centigrade. Are you feeling forgetful? I am fortunate that my oven doesn’t understand numbers higher than 250 so I quickly realised your mistake and I fixed it with a Google. Just for the record, I think you meant 177C.
Then you started talking about “cups”. A cup of sugar? In “How to Eat” and “How to be a Domestic Goddess” you always spoke to me in grams. What happened, did you lose your scales? As luck would have it I do happen to have a set of (unused) “cup” measures but I think I need you to show me how I measure a cup of butter without making an almighty mess.
And talking about butter; when did you start buying “sticks” of the stuff and, more to the point, where on earth do you buy it?
Oh Nigella for someone so precise I was rather surprised when you just directed me to use “flour” in this recipe. You left me wondering whether you meant “self raising” or “plain”. I took a punt and went with the latter - which was just as well as no sooner had I taken this bold step than did you tell me to add some Baking Powder to it. I am now seriously worried about you. You and I have been friends for a long time and I have never known you to tell me to use two ingredients where one will do just as well. Have you forgotten that the nice people at the supermarket sell “self raising” so that we don’t have to bother with the Baking Powder bit?
Nigella, I really don’t wish to overwhelm you with my observations so I will stop my ramblings here; save for one last question, what, in heavens name, is “powdered sugar”? I rather think that you mean icing sugar, but if so, darling Nigella, why on earth don’t you just say that.
Oh. Oh Nigella. I was just closing your book (in only mild disgust because the cookies turned out to be fantastic) when I noticed the little red circle saying “as seen on the food network”. Hmm. We don’t have a “food network” do we? Well not in Australia where I live, nor England whence you and I hail. But they do in America, don’t they.
So I understand it now, you haven’t gone all odd at all. It’s Mother In Law. She has been unfaithful. She has been canoodling with amazon.com and deserted, if only momentarily, amazon.co.uk. And somewhere, there is another version of your glorious book which talks to me in weights and centigrade and understands that we buy self raising flour and icing sugar, and, most probably, knows that the brown things I cooked tonight weren’t cookies at all, but biscuits.
Today’s juice: have you changed the way you say things in your business. Maybe described your services differently or rebadged your products? While it might make complete sense to you, such changes confuse us mere customers. We are creatures of habit, we trust you because you are familiar. So please, unless you really have to change your terminology, don’t.
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